there and back again

I have been in Arizona for the past three and a half weeks.  You may know from my previously published posts.  I brought way too much of my life with me, thinking that I would just resume what I had started here at home while in Arizona.  But as it turns out, I didn’t feel like myself while I was there.  For one thing, I got a bit of the stomach flu the first week I was there which lasted a couple days and then I felt good for about a week and then I got the head and chest cold that was going around for the final week.  It’s not ideal to be sick around a chemotherapy patient, so I felt badly that I didn’t spend much of my final week there with my grandparents because I was very afraid that I would get my grandpa sick.

But more than the minor illnesses, I didn’t feel like myself while I was there.  It wasn’t uncomfortable or awful, just slightly strange.  I brought three knitting projects, sure that I would get them all done yet I didn’t pick up my knitting needles except for working on my Chevron Scarf while in the waiting room of the doctor’s office.  It was just strange to not want to do anything that I normally love doing.  I felt watchful, as opposed to participatory.  And in the last few years, I’ve moved out of feeling normally watchful to mostly participatory most of the time.  This switch back to watchful at such a heightened state felt bizarre.

The stay started out rocky too – very emotional.  I had a lot of sudden feeling and emotion about a lot of different people in my life and a lot of disappointment, deeply-seated disappointment that at first arrived as anger until I realized what I was really feeling.  This, on top of the sorrow that I felt before I even got on the plane.

I so enjoyed getting to see my grandparents and spend one-on-one time with them.  I even got some alone time with my grandpa which was nice.  It was hard to leave.  As excited as I was to come home to my husband and my dogs, it was hard to leave my grandpa in particular.  And to leave my mom who will be primarily helping my grandparents out again, now that she’s back.  It would be nice to be able to emotionally support each other, in person, this year.

I also got to see an old friend and reconnect with her and through her, meet some other, new friends who I connected with in a special way, in a way that I really needed while I was there.  Her home, though I was only there a couple times, was a refuge for me.  Even though I didn’t stay there or go there often, just knowing that I could go there, anytime day or night if I needed, was a balm.  It was so good to meet her roommates and to re-establish a friendship that has once again become something very near and dear to my heart.

I also got to see my aunt (my father’s sister).  That was lovely.  She’s a family member whom, even though we haven’t been able to spend much time together throughout my life, whenever I look into her eyes, I feel a connection and an immense amount of love and acceptance.   Everyone should have a person like that in their life.  It’s an amazing feeling when you are able to reconnect throughout time.  She’s encouraged me to pursue my writing, to become published in some way, and I appreciate that kind of encouragement about something that I’ve always loved doing.

All in all, it was a good trip – a full trip, full of goodness and sadness.  There are a lot of things left incomplete that only time and growth will bring to completion.  And that’s okay.  That’s life.

I’m hoping that once I get back into the groove of things here (which I’m guessing might take a week’s time), I’ll feel like knitting again.  The sudden and complete drop of knitting mojo is disturbing.  I even had a package from Knit Picks waiting for me when I got home and so far, no amount of thumbing through the Vogue Knitting:  The Ultimate Knitting Handbook, or fondling of my swatching-skein of Cadena in Natural, or touching my new nickle-plated, 6″ dpns has spurred me to pick up the needles again.  Hopefully within the week.  I have a few project in progress at the very least that I need to finish and send off.

Hopefully I’ll also start writing with more regularity.  Until then…