It took me a long time to realize that there’s nothing wrong with being a married woman in her thirties who has neither a career nor children. Sometimes the insecurities will still creep in and I shove them aside by putting my iPod on to the “Driving Fast” playlist I created and then I fold six months worth of laundry. It happened yesterday - my first official Monday-without-a-job in six months. But by the end of the day my brain was beginning to show signs that it remembered how to do this housekeeping gig which was a great relief. And it helped to have the chance to talk to two of my long-distance friends, catching up on what’s been going on in their lives.
What I’ve realized is that the phrase, “I don’t want to work,” is a misnomer. I want to work and I’d love to earn a buck or two. I’m not lazy; I clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner most nights, take care of our errands, knit to completion, etc. etc.. It’s just that I’ve found I really suck at working for other people. I’ve been successful at it only once and it was because the woman I worked for gave me so much freedom that I felt like I was running my own business. It was refreshing to be trusted that much by an employer. It also helped that she was not a bi-polar, wackadoo, crazy bitch.
No, what I want to do for work (aside from continuing to run my house) is write. I feel like a broken record because I’ve been saying this for years and years. In the meantime I have been working at jobs that have rarely utilized my best skills or allowed me to be very creative. And I’ve been doing that because those jobs sent me a paycheck every two weeks, whereas writing in my journal, jotting stories in my notebook, writing letters to the editor, or sharing my life on my blog has not. Not that I expected it to.
I need to change the way I view writing as a profession. I need to strip away the limitations I’ve put on my writing. I need to start writing and submitting. Over and over and over and over again. Surely something will get picked up eventually. And I’m at a perfect place in life to be able to do this. It’s time to get focused and to start taking myself seriously.
The first thing I need to do is to find other people who whore out their words for money. The first thing I need to do is stop censoring myself. I need to be okay with writing the sentence that I just crossed out. I need to be okay with the fact that some people will get my weird, mildly warped, usually irreverent sense of humor and some people will not. I cannot be good at what I do if I try to please everybody. But I can’t lie, I’m afraid that people will read what really goes through my head and be appalled. (Like my family truth be told). Does it help to know that hell, I am appalled most days?
For this reason I will sometimes turn off comments. I’m not sure yet in what cases and it won’t be every time, but I think it would be good practice to write honestly without coming back to my computer every three minutes to check to see if I offended someone.
Baby steps…
I found last week that it’s very freeing to turn off comments! I only turned them off for two days but it greatly reduced the urge, even now that I have them on again, to continually check in to see who said what. It makes me wonder why I bother leaving them on at all.
Getting to do what one really wants to do. Do wa diddy, diddy dum diddy yeah! The sweet sauce of life! It appears you are in a position of life to do that. Go for it! Don’t let the music die inside of you. We only get one wild ride. Do it! Go for it! You’ll be glad you did.
It took me years before I could live out what was in my soul. Now these are truely the best years of my life. Creating what’s inside for others to expirience. How satisfying. And yes, rejection of your craft is part of it. They’ll get over it. Go, go, go for it!
I love words and how they affect me and others. They can paint a picture in my mind, or strike a nerve, or cause me to think differently. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “crossing words off” or changing the wording. As a writer (and you already know these) you keep in mind your audience and your purpose. So, crossing words off or changing your mind isn’t an indication of being wimpy, it shows that you’re aware of your writing and its affects. If your intentions are to shock your audience then use whatever words that will accomplish your goal. And, you’re absolutely right…don’t worry about what others think of your writing. Instead, let them worry what you will think if they don’t like your writing! And, most importantly, don’t worry about the family! We’ve already made up our minds about you a long time ago. You’re smart enough to know who you would go to for encouragement, love, and affirmation. Yes, that’s right…it’s your mother!!!! Do what you love to do - Write, write, write for the sake of writing and not for the approval of anyone except yourself.
On a more serious note…did you knit the beautiful, colorful blanket that is shown at the top of your blog?