When trying to lose weight, I love how people will say, hand’s on hips, eyebrows raised, head tilted to one side, “Well, you gotta be patient! You didn’t gain the weight overnight, and you’re not going to lose it overnight.” Usually spoken by some gym whore who’s never worn an extra pound in his/her life. Actually, yes I did gain it overnight. I did wake up one morning and think, “Oh my gobs! Who is that person staring back at me in the bathroom mirror?” I’d like to point out that the mind-numbing question and answer process I have to go through before I put anything in my mouth nowadays, takes a gazillion more seconds than it used to take for me to decide whether or not to eat two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in one sitting.
Okay, it did take me a few years to get from the weight I used to be, to the weight I’ve been holding steady at for the last five. But you know what they say? “Time flies when you’re having fun!” (Or, “Time flies when you’re stuffing your face with yummy foods that make your ass not fit into the chairs at the movies, which only prolongs the moments until you can stuff your face with movie popcorn, soda, and candy bars!”).
Like every high school girl, I had major weight issues, in part because of comments made to me by relatives, in part because of society and pop-culture, and in part because I had a seventeen year old’s view of what pretty was, which is always pretty limited. I used to starve myself. I used to starve myself and then dance ballet for six hours a day. I was still 117 pounds. That was depressing. I couldn’t even be good at anorexia. And boy was I bitchy! I finally gave up on having the body type that I dreamed of having and started eating without giving much thought to it. Not much thought leads to weight gain, which I knew would happen, but then I continued to not give much thought to it, and continued to gain weight and I didn’t know how to cope with it, so I ignored it. I flipped the switch. I just didn’t give it much thought and I stopped looking in mirrors and caring what size clothes I had to buy. And my rationale was always, “Well, at least I’m eating now!”. But then I was bitchy for an entirely different reason.
At 31, I’m tired of looking this way, feeling this way, and after spending a LOT of time (years) contemplating what my motivators for eating have been, and deciding that I want to live and not die of heart failure or diabetes, that I want to be able to travel comfortably and move comfortably, the switch flipped back - or more likely, more towards neutral. I’ll never starve myself again, (because it doesn’t make me waify anyway) but I won’t eat without thought anymore either. I used to view the planning as work. Now, it’s just a part of life, like anything else.
I knew last night when I met a friend at Azteca (yummalicious, fattening food) that the switch really had flipped when I ordered the soup. Just a bowl of tortilla soup. In months past, when I knew I would be eating there, I would planon having soup, and then cave and eat a chimi. I didn’t want the chimi.
I knew last night when on the way home from Azteca, when I heard that tape running through my head “get ice cream, need sweets, must have chocolate” and I didn’t stop at Safeway on the way home to pick up a little “treat”. My new tape is “it’s okay to feel hungry right before bed, you’re eating enough to function, if you’re still wanting sweets when you get home, after your food has settled, eat grapefruit”.
This blog will not be about my weight loss. It will not advertise my success (or failures) because I just don’t want my entire life to be about losing weight. I don’t want everything to be about “the diet” (which I’m not on). I grew up hearing the word “diet” everyday. But this blog is about my knitting, of course, but also, my epiphanies about life, learning, relationships. And this switch flipping to neutral is a huge learning lesson for me and actually mirrors in some way, all the other lessons I’ve learned thus far. This is right in line with what I’ve recently been learning about saving and spending money, buying groceries (you don’t have to buy the farm, the grocery store will be there for you next week when, not to mention if, you run out of butter), managing time, and just basically, being a better, calmer, more rational person.
